


they caught us (dispatch)

by luvssjn



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, F/F, One Shot, actress yongsun, basically the entertainment industry is harsh, dispatch - Freeform, mention of SeulRene, moonsun, moonsun angst, moonsun au, moonsun one-shot, rapper moonbyul, star-crossed lovers, this is my first time writing angst like this so bear with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27280690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvssjn/pseuds/luvssjn
Summary: “Did you ever love me, Byul?”“I only remember having to hide my love for you.”Yongsun and Byulyi were star-crossed lovers who became too greedy with love in an industry that refused to accept them.
Relationships: Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 23
Kudos: 79





	1. ignorance is bliss

**Author's Note:**

> hello, reader! this one-shot au is based on one of my favorite songs, "dispatch" by heize ft. simon dominic. some of the lines in the story are actually lifted from the lyrics of the song itself. i would recommend playing it in the background as you read. as always, thank you for reading. enjoy! <3

_“When the moon is gone, I’ll let you go.”_

Yongsun whispered into the deep night sky, swirling a glass of champagne in her right hand. She was aware that she was extremely light headed and could barely even take half a cup of rice wine, but she felt like tonight was a good time to lose her mind even just for a bit.

It wouldn’t change anything, anyway. She only wished to just pass out at that instant and wake up not remembering anything. But no, not even the strongest alcohol inside her system could make her forget. 

Nothing could prepare her for what happened. Not even the million possibilities that had already raked her mind the moment she fell in love with Moon Byulyi.

Yongsun still remembered her voice from a few hours ago. It didn't feel real. Not yet.

_“Yongsun. I think we should end this.”_

Not when she could still remember Byul's smile in the early morning when she woke up to the smell of Yong's cooking.

_“This?”_

Not when she could still feel her sturdy arms wrapped around her as the younger girl sang softly in her ears; her deep voice caressing her to sleep.

_“End us.”_

Not when she could still hear Byul’s whispers in the night, her sweet declarations of love inked on her skin like a tattoo she can never erase.

_“Why?”_

Not when she could still feel Byul’s brown eyes on her; looking at her as if she was everything and more. Like it was only the two of them against the world. What happened now?

_“They caught us.”_

Yongsun felt like her world stopped spinning.

She looked up at the sky and saw the moon and the stars twinkling down on her. Painfully enough, the only thing she remembered was Moon Byulyi. 

Again and again, fucking Moon Byulyi and everything about her. 

It was Moon Byulyi in the twinkling stars that looked just like her brown eyes. It was Moon Byulyi in the full moon that always kissed her in the night. 

Funny how she used to consider the moon as her anchor; a celestial body that she wouldn’t always see, but knew will never leave.

_“Would you ever let go of me even if everyone told you to?”_

_“Never in a million years.”_

Yongsun laughed in disbelief. She should’ve known that promises were too good to be true.

But she _knew_. She swore she knew what she was getting into the moment she laid eyes on the rapper-singer, but _gods_ , was she stubborn. Moonbyul was just _so_ _hard_ to resist.

But now it’s over. No amount of alcohol invading her system could change that. Even when she looked at the sky she remembered that. The moon that always followed her in the night would always remind her of the girl she lost. 

_The girl she lost_. Yongsun’s brain ached.

Byulyi’s previous promise seemed like it was uttered ages ago; longer than the stone age when all Yongsun remembered now was the pain in the goodbye she heard hours ago.

It didn't feel real at all. 

But were _they_ even real?

If Yongsun closed her eyes, she could imagine that Byul's ghost of a touch was still lingering on her skin. It would take her back to all the sleepless nights they spent whispering promises into their skins and marking each other like territory. It was soft as much as it was fire. Byulyi felt like a hallucination; a dream or a nightmare.

But no one knew. 

No one knew that they were together. No one knew of their shared nights of loud laughter and soft kisses away from the prying eyes, subtle glances and occasional winks whenever their schedules would clash, and secret dates wearing the most outrageous disguises in the most secluded areas in Seoul. 

Yongsun and Moonbyul was a secret to only Yongsun and Moonbyul. 

Not until Dispatch.

Not until both their companies were faced with the dilemma of _photos_ surfacing on the internet that would obviously cause a controversy with the people.

It would be a scandal. It was a _threat_.

“What the hell is this, Yongsun? You’re seeing a _woman_?”

_Goddamnit. Why couldn’t they just let two people love each other?  
_

Love.

Love.

 _Love_.

Love was a gamble in the industry they worked in, and the price they had to pay for it was not exactly kind.

They knew they had to face an ultimatum; they had to choose between their relationship or careers.

It was always going to be their careers.

No matter how much they didn’t want to.

**―**

It was a particularly casual night. Yongsun just finished a tiring day of photoshoots and commercial shootings while Byulyi got back from her studio after recording a song for her new album. 

Their mutual friends, Wheein and Hyejin, invited them to a private bar in Seoul to "let loose" for a while and that was where the pair met for the first time.

“Wheein, you know I don’t drink.” The eldest complained.

“Unnie,” Hyejin was the one to reply. “We know you’re tired, but you’re always sitting in that apartment of yours. Just have fun for once!”

“Are you sure it’s not just the two of you setting me up with someone again?”

The two young girls only shrugged.

 _Classic._

Someone caught her eye. "Isn't that Moonbyul? The rapper you told me about? The one who also collaborated with Hyejin?" Yongsun asked Wheein when she saw the said woman approach their table.

"Yes,” Wheein clapped once. “I'm glad you actually remember her. I let you listen to one of her songs before, right?"

Yongsun mused. She had heard about Moonbyul. Not just from Wheein or Hyejin. She discovered that she was popular as a rapper and singer and frequently created her own music. And also the fact that she was particularly loved by the women population due to her charms and subtle flirting with women she was working with, though the rapper herself never opened up about her sexuality in public.

Not that any of them ever will, anyway.

Their heated kiss in the bathroom later that night would tell Yongsun the truth.

"What song was it again?" Yongsun asked.

As if on cue, the devil of the hour appeared in front of her. "I believe it might have been _‘Eclipse’_. Wheein has never stopped talking about how much she loves it." Byulyi said with a smirk laced on her handsome face.

Yongsun didn’t dare admit it out loud, but she was blown away by the charm and charisma oozing out of the woman in front of her. Everyone was right, Moonbyul was _gorgeous_. She was wearing a smart casual outfit; a Thom Browne blazer with the sleeves rolled on top of a white shirt and denim jeans, along with a black cap to cover her short blonde hair. Apparently, she came from the studio, but she didn’t expect the woman to look as if she just came from a photoshoot.

Before anyone noticed her stare, she quickly recomposed herself.

"I don't quite remember. Maybe the song was too forgettable for me." She challenged the rapper with a smirk of her own.

Byulyi raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Maybe I should sing it for you then so you can remember,” Then she leaned closer. “when we’re alone.” A wink soon followed after those words.

Yongsun could feel heat rising slowly to her ears, thanking the gods that the redness from the alcohol she was attempting to drink could somehow cover up for it.

The two looked at each other for a few seconds with so much intensity until Hyejin let out a whistle that made the two break eye contact.

“Interesting.” Was all the youngest said.

That was how it started. Their obvious flirting that night right in front of Wheein and Hyejin turned into exchanging phone numbers and messaging each other without fail.

Sometimes it was just Byulyi being greasy and Yongsun getting annoyed. Sometimes it was them blatantly flirting. Sometimes it was just photos of Byul’s three Welsh corgis. Either way it was new, it was fun, and it smelled like trouble.

She knew being involved with someone, much less romantically and much less with a woman, wasn’t widely accepted in their society’s shitty norms.

She was an A-list actress and Byulyi was a well-known rapper and musician. Both of them had respectable fanbases and were loved by the general public. Their names and faces weren't exactly unknown throughout South Korea.

Yongsun knew Moon Byulyi meant danger, but she loved danger. She loved the adrenaline Byul gave her. It was unlike anything she’s ever felt before. 

It seemed as if Byulyi felt the same way. 

But, if she was being completely honest, she could never take her eyes off of Moonbyul even if she tried.

**―**

A few months of flirting through text and occasional hang-outs (with mutual friends, of course, they should never be seen alone in public together) then turned into secret dinner dates in Byul's apartment and Yongsun dropping by the rapper’s recording studio with some food and a quick peck on the cheek.

They reveled their time with each other. Yongsun had never found someone that could match her stubbornness as Byulyi did and Byulyi had never found someone who could make her laugh as hard as Yongsun did with her antics and clumsiness. They clashed and burned and most of the time they argued, but it always ended with an apology and another make-out session.

It was bliss.

Though all the hiding was risky, just hanging out with each other made them feel at ease and content.

Yongsun was able to confide to Byulyi about her fears in the industry, and Byul did the same.

 _“Do you think there’ll ever be a time when we’d just wake up and suddenly our careers would be over?”_ Yongsun asked one night as she laid in Byulyi’s arms.

Byul leaned her face close to Yong’s head, taking in the scent of her dyed black hair. _“Hm. Sometimes I actually think I shouldn’t have taken up this career in the first place.”_

 _“Why? Music is your life.”_ She was playing with the loose threads of her—no, Byulyi’s—hoodie. 

_“I know, but so many idols in the industry get shit on for being a completely normal person. One nasty rumor could ruin your reputation forever. It’s hard.”_

She sighed. _“I understand. If I announced that I got married or entered a relationship, everyone would go wild. I’m pretty sure I’d lose a lot of fans, too.”_

Byul turned to look at the older girl. _“But you’re an actress, though. I think it would be easier to manage. It’d be harder if you were an idol like me.”_

Yongsun smiled. _“We'd just have each other then.”_ A kiss on the lips.

Yongsun initially believed that all of it would only be just a game for them, but they found solace in each other’s presence. A balance. A _home_.

Ignorance was bliss.

If only they didn’t have to hide.

It was easy enough to hide inside the four walls of their apartments, but the outside world was a different story. A far too cruel and judgmental one.

They never mentioned anything about their relationship to anyone. Not even to their friends or family. Not even to Wheein and Hyejin, though they were quite sure they’d caught on already.

Yongsun and Moonbyul was a secret to only Yongsun and Moonbyul, as sad as it sounded.

Especially when Yongsun's manager pulled her aside after a long day of shooting to specifically tell her to not get too involved with the rapper, especially in the public eye.

 _"Why shouldn't I? She's just a good friend."_ Was Yongsun's reply.

Her manager shook her head. _“Don’t lie to me, Yong. I've been your manager for a long time. I can see the way you look at her."_

Yongsun blinked. 

She added, _"And if people started seeing through the ‘She’s only my friend’ lie, no amount of excuses would prepare you or us for what could happen."_ Her tone wasn't exactly kind. It was more of a warning.

Yongsun was aware. She and Moonbyul were aware.

It gradually became the usual topic of their discussions, anyway. Especially their arguments.

Oh, the goddamn arguments.

They realized, slowly, that the pressure of being public figures was starting to creep up onto them. Their moves were always watched and their lives were always gossipped about. As soon as Yongsun kept on being booked in commercials and casted into more acting gigs and Byulyi kept on creating music and performing in concerts and music shows, it seemed as if the world was only trying to keep them apart.

More months in, successful dramas after dramas and hit songs after hit albums, the two rose into more fame with their respective careers, but it meant having to spend so much time away from each other with only a video call and a text message to replace physical touch and quality time together.

 _“When can we see each other again?”_  
_  
_ _“I have to go to China to shoot something.”_

_“How long?”_

_“A few weeks.”_

_“Is it for a movie?”_

_“Yeah. It’s a new genre, too. Something action.”_

_“That’s amazing, Ddun.”_

_“Not as amazing as being with you.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

Suddenly, it wasn’t so fun anymore.

And when they did have time for each other, they still couldn’t risk being seen together in their respective homes because of the increasing amount of _sasaengs_ and secret reporters waiting to catch them off-guard, so it was either they had to disguise themselves and go on dates in the most secluded places they could find or not see each other at all.

It was hard. Yongsun thought.

It was frustrating. Byulyi knew.

But it was worth it. 

Or was it?

She never thought Byulyi would be the first to give up. 

No. On the contrary, she had _hoped_ Byulyi wouldn’t be the first to give up on them.

She already saw it coming, though. 

She saw how routinely texts and calls became a hassle even for Byul. Usually, they’d have long conversations about anything and everything, but then it became just recaps of their day and going to bed.

 _She’s just tired._ Was what Yongsun told herself.

 _Tired of you._ A voice deep in her mind whispered, but she would never say that out loud. She was afraid that if she acknowledged it, it would come true. 

She knew how affectionate and sentimental the younger girl was, but somehow, the affection started to diminish. Even when they were together, Byul would always keep her cap down and her mask on to keep people from recognizing her, so Yongsun wouldn’t even get to see her face. They were always so wary about their surroundings, even though they were in a secluded area. They couldn’t fully enjoy their time together. The question would always be “How do we get there without being seen?” or “How will I be able to get you home without being seen?”. Her tone when they talked subtly changed too.

Yongsun tried to not pay mind to it, telling herself over and over again that the younger girl was just tired of promotions and all that, but it got worse.

Going out together suddenly became a burden. 

“What if someone sees us?”

“Not this again, Byul.”

“What do you mean _‘Not this again’_ , Yongsun? This is important!” 

“Why are you being so delusional about this, Byul-ah?”

“And why are you being so stubborn, Yongsun? Do you want anyone to see us, especially the ones with cameras? Do you want our careers to be ruined?” 

A beat.

“You know that one photo out on the internet can ruin us both.”

Byulyi’s words were cold and neither of them moved, but Yongsun felt like she was still slapped all the same.

It all went downhill from then. Less and less of affection and more and more of arguments. 

Yongsun couldn’t even remember the last time they just sat down on the couch and talked about life while munching on a few snacks from Yong’s fridge.

Ignorance was bliss.

But they couldn’t afford to be ignorant to their realities anymore.

It shouldn’t be a shock to her that Byulyi was the first to call their relationship off, but it still didn’t make it hurt less for Yongsun.

_Gods, it hurt like a bitch._

The Moonbyul and Yongsun a year ago would probably completely dismiss the same thoughts that led them to their downfall, saying “ _Why would I lose the person I love the most for a career?”_ and laugh then. 

But they were working adults who happened to be public figures. Acting was Yongsun’s dream and passion. Music was everything to Byulyi. Their relationship was a threat to the same careers they built for years, and they had to protect it.

So, they had to choose.

In the end, Byulyi chose for both of them.

Yongsun didn’t realize she was holding the neck of her champagne glass in a death-like grip. Her knuckles were white and her hand was shaking. 

Quickly, she calmed herself down by downing another sip. She winced at the taste.

Even the alcohol couldn’t make her forget the pain. No, it just amplified it.

She felt her phone vibrate on the table. Curious, she grabbed it and saw a notification from Moonbyul’s Instagram. An Instagram story. She internally slapped herself. She had forgotten to turn her notifications off for Byul’s account.

She almost wanted to throw the whole phone out on her balcony, but as curious and as stubborn as she was, and adding the fact that she had a little too much to drink, she opened the notification.

She clicked on the Instagram story and saw a photo of Moonbyul drinking in a bar with a few friends that Yongsun didn’t recognize. Byul never really introduced her to any of her musician friends, though she knew some of them. The younger girl didn’t exactly look drunk, but she looked like she was having fun.

Yongsun feigned a laugh. At least one of them wasn’t miserable. Moonbyul was actually having fun with people for once, without her. She didn’t have to worry about a relationship putting her career at stake. Meanwhile she was alone and sullen, drinking champagne she found in her kitchen cabinets in the dead of the night. 

_At least she isn't with a new girl, right?_

Yongsun slapped herself in the head out of frustration. _Stop it, Kim Yongsun. You’re becoming delusional._

She guessed it was the price for risking it all and falling in love with those deep brown eyes that somehow always knew how to read through her.

She groaned. She had a shoot tomorrow for another commercial and she couldn’t afford to look like a zombie. She’d get an earful from her manager, for sure, and she was already miserable enough. She sighed deeply and swirled the champagne glass again. She couldn’t even take a break to catch her emotions and get her shit together. 

Not that the world would allow her, anyway. The only problem she had was she didn’t know how to behave the way she did when Byulyi was still by her side.

How could she smile as wide as when Byul told her an awful greasy joke or when she’d play a prank on the younger girl and got the reaction she wanted?

How could she laugh as hard as when they shared embarrassing stories from their middle school years or when they attempted to build a table in Yongsun’s apartment after running around IKEA trying not to be recognized?

Her time with Byulyi was thrilling, but the echoes of silence in her empty apartment reminded her that she was no longer part of her life.

_“Did you ever love me, Byul?”_

_“I only remember having to hide my love for you.”_

When they met, they were too greedy with touch. Then, they were too greedy with time. Now, they were too greedy with love.

Look at where it got them.

Yongsun didn’t realize tears were already falling on her cheeks.

She wiped them harshly, but they kept on coming. “When the moon is gone, Moon Byulyi. I’ll let you go.” She looked at the full moon glowing in the night.

It seemed to call to her. But she was only reminded of Byulyi’s smile again and the remains of her goodbye that still pierced her heart. She vowed she would forget it. Forget her.

No, she couldn't allow the moon to be her anchor anymore. Not when Moon Byulyi still resided in her heart.

So, she waited. She silently sat on her balcony staring at the city of Seoul beneath her until the moon disappeared from her sight and was replaced by the glow of the sun from the east. She blinked once, and it was the morning.

Though she couldn’t see it anymore, she knew the moon was still looking down on her, covered by the blue of the sky and the white and grey of the clouds. 

She sighed. It was a curse. She knew the moon would never leave. 

“You can find another me, but I can’t.” She whispered so quietly she couldn’t even hear herself. Would she ever be able to let go of Moon Byulyi?

She went to bed.


	2. sorries are not enough, but i'll say it anyway (bonus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byulyi wished she could just keep Yongsun to herself and away from the world.
> 
> But they both belonged to the world.
> 
> or, Byulyi's point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't think i was going to write a chapter in byul's point of view, but here i am. thank you so much to the reader who suggested it, i had so much fun writing this (and maybe i got a little too carried away, too). hope you enjoy <3 thanks for reading and supporting!

Byulyi's head hurt.

And no, it wasn't because of the alcohol swimming in her system.

Taking another huge sip of the rum in her almost empty glass, she leaned back on the huge couch of the private lounge. 

Her friends returned to the dance floor a few minutes ago, but Byulyi excused herself from joining them, saying she'd just catch up to them later.

"Come on, unnie! I thought you wanted to let loose? Don't tell me you're tired already?" Seulgi raised an eyebrow. 

"It must be the age." Sandeul snickered. Byulyi punched him square at the shoulder, to which he reacted with a yelp.

"It's not. You're literally the same age as me!" Byulyi argued. "I just need a quick breather. I'll catch up to you in a few, I promise." She told them.

They nodded and then left her alone in the lounge.

Once she was alone, she loosened her dress shirt and breathed deeply. She didn't know why she felt cramped and constricted even though there was no one around her. 

Maybe it was the bar's bright neon lights that were blinding to the eyes, the loud hip hop music blasting from the speakers and the sweaty dancing people on the dance floor.

Maybe it was something else entirely.

Byulyi groaned. She didn't want to think about anything else other than the moment she was in. 

She invited her friends to drink with her so she could distract herself and stop thinking for once, but after a few hours of dancing around and maybe casually flirting with a few unfamiliar women, she suddenly wasn't feeling it anymore.

In the end, she just found herself thinking.

Walking around the crowded bar and silently watching people dance and talk to each other instead of joining them, while thinking.

And now, sitting in the private lounge she rented for the night for her and her friends, she was alone and thinking.

Just what she was trying to avoid.

Thinking.

More like, thinking about _her._

How Byulyi broke her heart a few hours ago.

Maybe going out to drink was a bad idea, even if it was _her_ idea. 

Suddenly shaking her head, Byulyi ignored the throbbing pain and took yet another swig of the alcohol from her glass. It was almost empty too. She might have to refill it soon.

As she put the glass down on the table, she felt her throat burn, but she didn't care. The pain distracted her a bit.

But it didn't linger long.

_"Yongsun. I think we should end this."_

Byulyi was so close to drunkenness at the amount of alcohol she'd already consumed, but she couldn't seem to forget the very reason why she wanted to get drunk in the first place.

_"This?"_

She desperately wanted to forget it. She didn't want to remember. She knew remembering it would break her, even though it had only been hours. 

_"End us."_

But she remembered the way Yongsun's eyes glistened with tears at those words. How the older girl's lips started to quiver and her body language became restless with every word that came out of Byulyi's lips.

It haunted her already. 

She badly wanted to take back everything she said, wipe the tears from Yongsun’s eyes and kiss her soft lips, but she knew it wasn't right.

She had to do it.

It was for the best.

 _We had no choice._

_We couldn't risk our careers._

_It wasn't for me, it was for her._

That was what she told herself over and over again.

_"Did you ever love me, Byul?"_

She did.

She loved Yongsun.

Perhaps too much for her own good.

**―**

The first time she saw Kim Yongsun, she was speechless.

Sitting beside Wheein, wearing a long-sleeved dress shirt over a low-cut black dress with makeup highlighting her striking features, Byulyi was blown away by her beauty.

Yongsun was quite a household name in South Korea. She was almost everywhere; on dramas and variety shows on TV, billboards and commercial ads surrounding the city, and even on news and entertainment articles on Naver and Daum.

Byulyi didn't really follow anyone in particular, but she knew the actress. And she knew that Yongsun had always been pretty, but Byul thought she looked prettier in real life. The older girl looked more casual and free without the cameras and staff tending to her, but still with a hint of luxury most A-list celebrities were always basked in.

Hyejin and Wheein only invited her to a casual night-out, but why didn't they mention that they also invited such a gorgeous and sought out woman in the industry?

Feeling the need to step up her game, she sauntered up to them until she stood right in front of Yongsun, who was still visibly talking to Wheein. 

Byulyi heard the mention of her name, and with a smirk, she opened her mouth to interrupt their conversation. "I believe it might have been ‘Eclipse’. Wheein has never stopped talking about how much she loves it." 

Yongsun looked up at the sudden intervention and Byulyi swore she felt her heart race ten times as fast as it normally should. 

Her eyes connected with Yongsun’s brown ones and—

_God._

If Byulyi was the moon and the stars then Yongsun sure as hell was the entire glowing sun. She was shining. She was bright. She was beautiful.

Even in the dim lights of the private bar.

"I don't quite remember. Maybe the song was too forgettable for me." The older woman replied, replicating Byul's smirk. Something in her eyes told the rapper that she was challenging her. 

An eyebrow raise. "Oh? Maybe I should sing it for you then so you can remember," She leaned closer to whisper in Yongsun's ear. “when we’re alone.” A wink, for good measure.

If the actress wasn't red enough already, which she assumed was from her drink, Byulyi was sure she was blushing. 

Hyejin, who was silently watching their interaction, let out a whistle. "Interesting."

Byulyi extended her hand. "I'm Moon Byulyi, or Moonbyul as most people know me. I'm assuming you know that already?" She introduced, implying the actress’ earlier conversation with Wheein.

Yongsun took her hand. It felt warm and soft and it fit just right with Byulyi's hand. She didn’t dare acknowledge that feeling. Not yet. "Yes, I'm aware. I'm Kim Yongsun." The actress flashed her a wide smile.

"Such a pleasure to get acquainted with you. Hyejinie and Wheeinie didn't tell me they invited such a lovely presence tonight." Byulyi squeezed the other girl's hand before letting go.

Yongsun laughed softly. "You're good with words, Moonbyul-ssi. I'll give you that." 

"No need for honorifics.” She slid on the seat next to Hyejin. "Just call me Byul."

That night was the beginning of bliss.

As if it was perfectly planned—by the gods her parents believed in or the celestial bodies, Byulyi didn’t care which—every opportunity seemed to open up to further get closer to Yongsun.

Wheein and Hyejin minded their own business while the two older women conversed— or rather _flirted._

Byulyi noticed the way Yongsun would subtly graze her fingers on Byul’s arms when she’d laugh about another story and the way she fiddled with the rings on the rapper’s hands when she’d talk about a project she was working on.

She was glued to Yongsun the entire night and little did they know, she had already switched places with Wheein and gave all of her attention to the actress as if the two younger girls weren’t even there.

Byulyi couldn’t help it. Something about Yongsun was magnetizing. 

There was something in the way her eyes genuinely lit up when she talked about filming a drama with a story she really adored and working with people in the industry she never thought she would work with that Byulyi couldn’t take her eyes off of.

It was ethereal.

When Yongsun’s lips finally met with Byulyi’s in the private bathroom away from their two best friends later that night, Byul felt like breathing for the first time.

It was bliss. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Byulyi breathed out as she planted soft but hungry kisses on Yongsun’s slender neck.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” Yongsun managed to reply before Byul bit down on her neck and quickly soothed it with a swipe of her tongue. The actress let out a loud but quick moan, thanking the gods that the bathroom was private enough for the two of them.

When they finally caught their breaths, Yongsun spoke, “Byul-ah, there’s going to be a mark now.” She whined, the endearment suddenly rolling off her lips. Byul liked the sound of it. 

Roaming hands, desperate touches, and fervent kisses. The sounds Yongsun made were music to the rapper’s perfect pitch ears. “I’m sure they won’t mind.” Byulyi was referring to Wheein and Hyejin.

“But my manager and staff.” 

Sighing, Byul placed a soft kiss on her neck before putting her forehead on the older woman’s.

“No one will know. I promise.” She replied, placing a gentle peck on Yongsun’s lips once more.

Byulyi swore she’d do anything for her.

**―**

Yongsun became her most precious secret.

It was easy the first few times when they started seeing each other. In the nights they shared alone in their apartments and secluded away from the public eye, they could be free. 

She could kiss Yongsun without having to worry about judging eyes. She could sing to Yongsun without having to hide the love and affection from her voice. She could freely hug Yongsun without the entirety of South Korea questioning them. She could sweetly declare her love for Yongsun without having to see the older girl hide her reaction or fear anyone hearing her.

It was easier enough when they were lost in their own time. 

But in the outside world, reality hit.

Secrets became harder to keep. 

Byulyi wished she could just keep Yongsun to herself and away from the world.

But they both belonged to the world.

When Byulyi had to leave Yongsun’s apartment in the dead of the night so they wouldn’t be caught, that’s when the truth kicked in. When they had to go months without seeing each other because of their busy schedules that never seemed to clash, that’s when it started to hit them.

It was hard; wanting more than the time they were forced to spend in secret.

It was frustrating; knowing the fact that it just won’t happen. 

“How was your shoot?” It was four in the morning in South Korea, but Byulyi found herself video calling Yongsun who was shooting a drama miles away in Spain.

“It was tiring, but it was nice. The staff was really accommodating to us.” Yongsun shuffled in her hotel bed to get a better angle. "I’m sad it’s our last day. Hyejin was right about Spain, it’s really beautiful here. But it’s too hot.”

Byulyi feigned a gagging noise. “I hate the heat.”

“That’s only because you sweat too much, Byul-ah.” Yongsun said affectionately. “Don’t you have a music show today?” 

“Yeah. Manager-unnie’s picking me up in an hour for pre-recording.” 

Yongsun gasped. “You should be sleeping!” 

For a moment, Byul only looked at the older girl’s face on the screen. She had no makeup on and her hair still had remains of hairspray, but Byulyi still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

“I miss you.” She blurted out.

Yongsun audibly sighed. “Me too. I wish you were here in Spain with me.” The rapper felt a twinge of pain in her chest. She had heard those words way too much already. Promises and wishes that were never granted for the two of them.

“When can we see each other again?” 

Yongsun sighed again. “I have to go to China to shoot something.”

Byulyi’s heart dropped, but she chose not to let the older girl notice. “Already? How long?” 

“A few weeks.”

“Is it for a movie?”

“Yeah.” Yongsun nodded. “It’s a new genre, too. Something action.” 

The look of excitement on Yongsun’s face when she mentioned the new movie was the exact reason why Byulyi chose to not complain and simply compromise.

“That’s amazing, Ddun.” 

“Not as amazing as being with you.” Yongsun pouted.

Byulyi frowned. She remembered that she hadn’t seen the actress in months since the start of the shoot in Spain. “I’m sorry.”

They were forced to sacrifice.

The more she grew to love Yongsun, the more she had to hide her love for her.

It wasn’t long enough until some people started noticing the secret they so desperately tried to hide. They were good at hiding from the public, but not good enough in the eyes of their best friends.

It was Hyejin who first approached her.

Pulling up a seat in front of her while Byulyi was having her lunch in a music show, she spoke straightforwardly. “Speak.”

Byul, holding a sandwich in her hand, raised an eyebrow at the younger one. “What am I supposed to speak about?”

Then, Hyejin leaned a little closer and replied in a hushed whisper only Byulyi could hear. “Yongsun-unnie.”

The rapper immediately realized what the younger one meant. “What about her?” She tried to act indifferent.

Hyejin raised an eyebrow. “Don’t play dumb with me, unnie. You know what I mean.”

“What is there to say about her? We’re friends.” Byulyi reasoned, taking a bite out of her sandwich.

“You’re lying.” Hyejin was adamant.

“What do you even want to know?” 

Hyejin became silent. “It’s not going to go well.”

That wasn’t encouraging.

Byulyi’s facade almost crumbled in front of the younger girl, but she was reminded that she was still in public. “I don’t care.”

“That night was meant to be harmless. Wheeinie and I didn’t think it would become that serious. Unnie, I’m already warning you. Getting involved with her in an industry like this won’t go well for the two of you.”

When Hyejin excused herself to the dressing room, Byulyi remained deep in thought.

“We just want to be happy.” She whispered to herself.

Despite the warning, she didn’t listen to Hyejin’s words nor mention anything about it to Yongsun. She continued on secretly seeing the actress, aiming to be more discreet this time, and relishing the time with her.

She took Yongsun on dates on the mountains, secluded areas she considered her special hideouts, and even overseas just to be with the actress away from the eyes of scrutiny. 

Pulling the strings was hard and there were times when they _almost_ got caught, but the smile on Yongsun’s face every time she brought her somewhere new made her determined. Byulyi didn’t want to give up on them. She said she’d try.

However, in the deepest parts of her mind, she knew that she and Yongsun were bound to be star-crossed lovers in the end, but she just wasn’t ready to let go of her.

Not yet.

**―**

Byulyi was driving to visit her family in Bucheon when the first call came.

She looked at the phone on her dashboard and saw her manager’s caller ID. She was confused for a moment since she knew she had no schedule for the whole day.

Why would her manager be calling her on a day off?

Picking the phone up, she immediately heard the seriousness in her manager’s voice. “Byul, where are you?”

“I already told you, unnie, I’m visiting my parents. I’m driving right now.” Byulyi replied, eyes still focused on the road.

“Well, this is still serious, but I don’t want you to panic.” 

Byulyi’s heart started to race. “What is it?”

“I’m forwarding something to you. Nothing is confirmed, so don’t panic. But I’m telling you this now, Byul-ah, CEO-nim is not happy.”

“What does that mean, unnie?” Byul was nervous.

“Just don’t do things you’ll regret.” Then, the call ended.

Almost a split-second later, a forwarded message came from her manager. Byulyi clicked on the message and her heart dropped. 

Just what she feared.

_Rumors._

About her and Yongsun.

**Forwarded Message from Reporter Lee**

_An insider saw rapper-singer Moonbyul and A-list actress Kim Yongsun on a date hand-in-hand near Han River._

Before she could even process the text message, a new call came from her manager.

“Is this true, Byulyi?” She asked as soon as Byul picked up. “I know you’re friends with her, but are you seeing Yongsun-ssi?” 

A few moments of silence. Through gritted teeth, the rapper replied. “No. I’m not seeing her.” _Lie._

“What about Han River?” She could hear the doubt in her manager’s voice.

“Are there photos?”

“None. Just this message from an apparent insider.”

“Then it’s a lie.” _Another lie._

“Does Yongsun-unnie’s agency know about this?” Byulyi added.

“No. The reporter personally reached out first to CEO-nim.”

Byulyi thought. “Don’t let that rumor ever come out. Not even to Yongsun-unnie’s agency.” Her voice was stern now. She didn’t even know she had it in her.

“But you have to—”

“I don’t care. I’ll pay any amount to get them to shut up.” The rapper stopped herself before she could accidentally reveal anything out of anger. Instead, she added, “Yongsun-unnie’s career might be at stake. I don’t want to drag a _friend_ into this.” 

Silence. “Okay, Byul. I’ll relay that to CEO-nim. Drive well.” 

Byulyi did drive well to her parents’ house, but her mind was all over the place. 

All she could think about was the rumor and all other rumors that could possibly come out if they weren’t careful enough.

It could ruin them.

The thoughts followed her until she drove back to her apartment in Seoul, when she went to her recording studio, when she performed in festivals and concerts, and most importantly, when she met with Yongsun.

It was all starting to become too much for her.

She was agitated. 

She was paranoid.

As badly as she wanted to see and be with Yongsun, she was also desperate to protect her.

From phone calls and text messages that seemed to suffocate her to plans upon plans that needed to be cancelled; Byulyi was always on the edge and she knew the older girl started to notice it already, but she was adamant on not letting her know about the rumors. 

Though it would have been easier if she just told Yongsun the truth, but she didn’t.

“Should we go out tonight? Just a car ride to Han River.” Yongsun mentioned one night while they were lounging in Byulyi’s couch. The rapper got home from a music festival and was greeted with the sight of a beautiful Yongsun watching TV on the couch.

She missed her.

Byulyi wanted to agree, but stopped as she was reminded once again. _Rumors._ “What if someone sees us?”

She thought that the older girl would drop the topic, but she didn’t. Yongsun frowned and turned to face Byul. “Not this again, Byul.”

She replicated the older girl’s frown. “What do you mean, _‘Not this again’,_ Yongsun? This is important!”

Yongsun removed herself from Byulyi’s embrace. At the sudden absence of her touch, the younger girl slowly started to feel guilty. “Why are you being so delusional about this, Byul-ah?”

But those words set something off in Byulyi. _Delusional._ “And why are you being so stubborn, Yongsun? Do you want anyone to see us, especially the ones with cameras? Do you want our careers to be ruined?”

They were both quiet.

“You know that one photo out on the internet can ruin us both.”

Byulyi didn’t mean for her words to come out harsh and cold, but it did all the same. The past months filled with pent-up frustration from desperately attempting to shield Yongsun away from people and rumors that threatened their hard-earned careers were starting to get to her.

At one point, the reasonable option was just to break up.

It was the easier way out.

But she didn’t want that. It shouldn’t even be an option to consider.

She loved Yongsun too much.

“Okay.” Yongsun said blankly and sat back on the couch, staying at an arm’s length away from Byulyi that entire night.

She felt so near but so far away. 

Byulyi then realized. She had started to become greedy with love.

From the beginning, she was aware that falling in love with the actress might not end with anything good. But Yongsun was the sun and the sun was blinding. 

And she definitely blinded her.

Byulyi became a fool. A fool greedy with love.

It all came with a price to pay.

Soon enough, reality would come knocking on their doors demanding for their fairytales to end. It was always going to be a sad ending.

It was the last straw, she thought.

“Unnie?” Byulyi spoke as soon as she picked up the call from her manager.

“CEO-nim wants you in his office. ASAP.” She said in a serious voice. It wasn’t anything good.

“Can you at least tell me what it is?” Byulyi had a feeling already.

“Byul,” Her manager trailed off. “Why did you lie?”

Her CEO scolded her the moment she entered his office.

“Byulyi, didn’t we ask you to not keep secrets from us, especially about things like this? You, out of everyone here, should be aware that your career requires you to be cautious and careful about entering relationships!” He slightly raised his voice.

“I’ve never put a dating ban on any of my artists, but I expected more responsibility from you. You’re a senior artist, you should’ve known that by now. And of all people, you just had to be involved with an A-list actress. She’s known _everywhere_ , Byulyi. Do you know how much publicity and _disaster_ this could get if it comes out? Were you out of your mind, Byulyi?” Her CEO was raging.

He slammed the photo right in front of her and the faces were as clear as day to Byulyi—it was she and Yongsun.

Since the previous rumor, Byul had stopped bringing Yongsun near Han River in fear of being photographed, so she had no idea how the “insider” managed to take their photo since Byulyi had double-checked every outdoor place they went to.

But it didn’t matter now. The photo was clear to her. The woman with the black cap and short blonde hair in the photo was her and the woman with the large bucket hat and black hair was Yongsun.

Byulyi felt like crumbling.

“Will you still deny it?” Her CEO interrogated.

Silence.

“How many reporters and journalists already have this photo?” Was what she asked.

“You can’t possibly want to pay them all to not spread it. This is like gold to them, Byulyi. You know that.” 

“So, a lot?”

“Yes. A lot.”

“Does her agency know?”

“Yes.”

“Does _she_ know?”

“Not yet.”

Silence, again.

“What do you expect me to do, then?”

The CEO sighed and placed his hand on Byul’s tensed shoulder. “I’m not asking you to break up with her, Byulyi. But when this comes out on the internet, if it already hasn’t, you have to expect hell on both of you.” The look he gave her was apologetic.

Byulyi internally scoffed. It was a kind gesture, but it wasn’t as if it could change anything.

“Will you release a statement when it does?”

“We have to.”

With her entire being, she didn’t want to.

“Don’t tell Yongsun yet.” She left the CEO’s office after.

But seeing the effects it had on other celebrities like her, she couldn’t imagine what hell her CEO meant if she pushed through with her relationship with Yongsun while the photo leaked everywhere on the internet.

She was being a coward, she knew. 

_“It’s not going to go well.”_ Hyejin’s words were proving to be true now.

Byulyi quickly parked her car in a deserted parking lot. Thanking the gods that the windows were tinted, tears immediately slipped from her eyes.

Clutching her chest in pain, Byul let out a sob she didn’t know she had been holding in for too long.

Montages of Yongsun—her eye smile, her dolphin laugh, her animated way of talking, her loud screams after yet another prank, her singing voice in the night, her tolerable cooking, her love for horror but fear of ghosts, her passion for her work and acting—all of it flashed by Byulyi’s eyes as she blinked the waterfall of tears out.

She had to protect her. Even if it meant hurting her. 

Byulyi didn't want to risk it. She knew how Yongsun loved acting. She knew how Yongsun's eyes shone whenever she talked about a new project she was working on; whether it was a simple commercial or a big drama. Yongsun’s passion for her work was hard to miss and she knew how hard the older girl worked from her rookie days to get recognized for her skill that led her to where she was now. 

Acting was everything to Yongsun and Byulyi didn't want to take that away from her, all because she was too greedy with loving her.

Sending a quick text to the actress to meet up, she was resolved to do what she did.

_“Did you ever love me, Byul?”_

She did.

_“I only remember having to hide my love for you.”_

But it was also true.

And here she was a few hours later; broken, alone and miserable in a bar while her friends danced on the dance floor. But Yongsun was safe somewhere and in one way or another, she was bound to move on and be okay. That’s all that mattered to Byulyi.

Seulgi’s entrance in the lounge broke the rapper out of her deep thoughts. Sitting across Byul, the younger girl seemed to be distraught.

“I was just about to join you.” Byulyi downed the last sip of rum in her glass.

Seulgi waved her off. “You can still go. I’ll go back later. I’m just thinking.”

Byulyi chuckled. “Thinking doesn’t do well for most of us.” 

Seulgi hummed in reply.

“What’s bothering you, Seul? You’re not usually like this.” She filled a new glass with rum and passed it to the younger girl, who took it welcomingly.

When Byulyi noticed her hesitation, she clicked her tongue in acknowledgement. “It’s not going to go well.” She repeated Hyejin’s words. How ironic.

Seulgi looked up at her. “How are you sure?”

“Who is it?” Byulyi replied with a question of her own. 

A minute of silence passed by. Byul didn’t want to pressure the younger girl into saying anything, so she just waited.

“Joohyun-unnie.” Seulgi finally mumbled, almost too quiet for the rapper to catch. “Bae Joohyun.”

Byulyi sighed. Another actress. Just like Yongsun.

“An actress?”

“What about an actress, unnie?” Seulgi sounded defensive.

A laugh came out of Byulyi’s lips. “Trust me, Seul. You'd wanna date someone you'd actually get to see.” It was a joke, but she smiled painfully. She knew what it all meant.

A few hours and more rounds of drinks and dancing later, Byulyi found herself alone again at the terrace of the bar, looking down at the bustling city of Seoul that looked small to her.

In that moment, she could feel as if it was just her against the world.

_“We’d just have each other, then.”_

Scrolling on her Instagram page, she looked at the viewers of the most recent story she uploaded and saw Yongsun’s user.

She stayed still for a moment, looking at the actress’ profile picture and username on the small screen with an unreadable expression on her face.

She put her phone in her back pocket and swirled the alcohol in her glass while looking up at the night sky.

The moon and the stars were taunting her.

“I’m sorry, Yong.” _For leaving. For giving up._

_“They caught us.”_

With a breath, Byulyi whispered. “But as long as the moon stays in the sky, I’ll always love you.” She knew the moon never left the sky.

“Please be happy. For me.”

Unfortunately, Byulyi didn’t know that she was also everything to Yongsun.

Yongsun and Moonbyul was a secret to only Yongsun and Moonbyul, but the skies shared secrets they weren’t courageous enough to tell each other.

And little did they know, they were only whispering to the same sky.


End file.
